


Cattitude

by ModernWizard



Series: The Happy Famverse [15]
Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/M, Funny, Gen, Innuendo, Kigurumi, Kinky Doctor, Kinky Master, No actual sex, Silly, The Master is a cat, The Master is literally a cat, awwwww isn't that cute?, kitty override, kitty pajamas, mortification, or Both, or uh maybe embarrassing?!, the Master won't wake up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-06
Updated: 2020-05-06
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:54:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,456
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24037723
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ModernWizard/pseuds/ModernWizard
Summary: The Master is sleeping. The Doctor wants to get him up. She demonstrates to Yaz that he has sort of cat-like responses when he has his kitty pajamas on. Awwwww, isn't that cute? Oops. That was...interesting. ...Until it's kind of embarrassing. Well, it's embarrassing to the Master and Yaz. The Doctor is less clear on what the problem is.
Relationships: Thirteenth Doctor/The Master (Dhawan), Yasmin Khan & The Master (Dhawan)
Series: The Happy Famverse [15]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1694899
Kudos: 15





	Cattitude

_[INT. THE MASTER’S TARDIS. THE MASTER is sleeping on his stomach on the couch in his kitty kigurumi. THE DOCTOR and YAZ are standing over him.]_

YAZ _[to THE DOCTOR]_ : How are you gonna wake him up? Nychthemeron says he’s dead to the world.

THE DOCTOR: Oh, I can wake him up. Watch this. Maaaaasterrrrrrr, time to get uuuuuuup. _[She pets the top of his kigurumi hood, scritching around the bases of the plush ears.]_

THE MASTER: PurrrrrrRRRRRRRrrrrr… 

_[THE DOCTOR pulls her hand away. The pj ears twist and flick like a real cat’s when disturbed. He stays asleep, though.]_

YAZ: Eeeeeee! I didn’t know the ears were animatronic!

THE DOCTOR: They’re not. It’s got a telepathic interface, though, and he _is_ a pretty strong psychic, so it just kind of picks up on the leftover cattitude — hah, I like that word! Cattitude! Anyway, there’s some of that left over in his system — 

YAZ: Oh yeah, he told me — from the virus.

THE DOCTOR: And it kind of creates this self-reinforcing feedback loop that kicks in pretty strong when he’s asleep, and sometimes, if you’re lucky, it lasts when he’s awake too. Like kitty override mode or something. Check this out.

_[She slides her hand down along his body, from between the ears of his hood down along his back. His kigurumi ears instantly perk up, as does his kigurumi tail.]_

THE MASTER _[lifting his head]:_ Prrrrrrrrrt? _[He makes that trilling ‘cat activation noise’ that some cats do when you wake them up. He twists part of the way around.]_ Oh. Hey. Hi, Doctor ‘n Yaz. _[Yawns.]_ Fuck off. _[Flaps hand sleepily. Ear flicks.]_ Stayed up late. Need’a’ sleep… _[Plops head back down. Curls up into ball, bringing knees toward chest. Tail follows. Puts paw over face.]_

YAZ: He’s sleeping just like Cheeseball! She tucks herself up just like that and puts her paw over her eyes. Awwwww...

THE DOCTOR _[to THE MASTER]_ : Oh not you don’t!

THE MASTER _[muttering into couch cushions]:_ Oh yes I can. Very much can. Very much do. Very much fuck off. Very much napping.

THE DOCTOR: Very much no, you very-much lazybones. _[To YAZ.]_ Okay, it’s time for drastic measures. Maaaaaaasterrrrrrr, GET UP!! _[Lunging over THE MASTER, THE DOCTOR runs her hand along his back again, from ears to tail. This time, though, she starts scritching at the base of his tail. His pjs aren’t just fleece, but low-pile faux fur, so she digs her nails in for a good scratch.]_

THE MASTER: Prrrrrt?!?! 

_[He’s up instantly, raising his head. Ears perk. Tail flies up like an exclamation point. THE DOCTOR has just hit a very sensitive spot, much to THE MASTER’S excitement. He stretches his front paws out straight, as low to the couch as possible, while sticking his butt in THE DOCTOR’S face.]_

THE MASTER _[with eyes closed, shaking with small involuntary tremors of enjoyment]:_ PRRrrrrrrRRRRRRrrr...

YAZ: O… M… G… _[Her eyes open wide. One eyebrow goes up. Snorts, claps hand over mouth, freezes.]_

THE DOCTOR: Who’s a good kitty? Who’s a good kitty? C’mon — get up, you goof! _[To YAZ.]_ See? He likes it!

YAZ _[flushing brightly]:_ Eeeep! _[Finally she unfreezes and emits a piercing squeak of mortification.]_

_[At that, THE MASTER opens his eyes on YAZ, re-recognizing that she’s there. His eyebrows spring up as the kitty override is overridden.]_

THE MASTER _[going absolutely immobile]:_ Fuck.

YAZ _[unblinking, in serious tones of agreement]:_ Fuck.

THE DOCTOR: What? What’s wrong?

THE MASTER _[slithering out from under THE DOCTOR]:_ DoctorrrRRRRrrrrrRRR! _[Growling, he flips over to his stomach and kicks her hand away.]_

YAZ _[jumping up]:_ I just — need to read up — study — felting class — advanced techniques — triple needles — or — uh — something. Very, very, _very_ urgent. _[Bolts for door, knocks over several stacks of books on the way, runs out.]_

THE DOCTOR: Hey, where are you — ? _[YAZ slams the shack door behind her.]_ Oh well. _[THE DOCTOR shrugs. She focuses back on THE MASTER.]_ Oh! Heyyyyy, you’re up! Kitty’s getting feisty, huh?

THE MASTER _[scornfully, flaring his nostrils]:_ Feisty! Right, feisty. _[He bounds off the couch. Standing over the disarranged books, he flips his hood back, runs his fingers through his hair, then clenches a handful of it, pulling. He’s shaking again, but with the larger and more voluntary shudders of agitation.]_

THE MASTER CONT.: I had those _organized!_ Rrrrrrrrrrrrgh! She — you — she — you — Doctor! _[Wheels on THE DOCTOR, tail switching.]_ You made me — you made her — _[Too frustrated to find words, he resorts to his usual interjection of dismay.]_ Come on! Come on!! COME ON!!! _[Pulls his own hair. Kitty ears swivel sideways in consternation. Tail flaps slowly back and forth in anger.]_

THE DOCTOR _[walking over, inspecting toppled books with a scrunch]:_ Organized? Thought that was just a heap.

THE MASTER: Organized! Yes! Organized! Everything around here is organized, even if it’s in piles. _[Flaps hands horizontally.]_ I know you think I’m nothing but a hilarious mess, but I have a _system._ And you fucked it up! You fucked it up! Come on! _COME ON!!_

THE DOCTOR: Uhhhh...sorry?

_[THE MASTER closes his eyes. He’s baring his teeth in what look like momentary flashes of pain. Taking his hand out of his hair, he clenches both fists at his sides. Tail twitches jerkily — not a good sign.]_

THE MASTER _[squeezing eyes shut]:_ Okay. It’s okay. It’s okay. _[Opens eyes, pivots away from THE DOCTOR, as if toward unseen interlocutor.]_ Yes! YES! Yes, I know it’s not technically okay because I’m obviously fucking upset, but just — just — just — shut up for a moment. Yes, I understand that you’re outraged, and — _[lowers voice deliberately]_ yes, I know. You keep telling me that I should be outraged, and I get it. In fact, I _am_ outraged. I’m just — just — just — trying not to lose my shit. I’m saying that it’s okay because I’m trying to calm down, and I don’t need you yelling at me. _[Beat.]_ Thank you. _[Sighs. Tail is still, no longer twitching.]_ Thank you.

_[THE MASTER cocks his head, as if hearing something. He turns to another invisible interlocutor. Frowning slightly, he listens, finally flapping his hand for silence.]_

THE MASTER CONT.: Yeah yeah yeah, shush. I know what _you_ want. It’s what you always want, whether I want to want it or not. _[Beat. Cocks head, tail slowly unfurling into thoughtful question mark.]_ Okay, fine, yes, of course, I want it too, but that doesn’t mean I’m going after it at the moment. Delayed gratification — what a concept, huh?

THE MASTER CONT. _[facing a third direction, to a third invisible person]:_ And you — yeah, you — you and the _feelings._ _[Sighs, stooping slightly. Tail lowers.]_ The wound! _[Gasps, pressing hand to hearts.]_ The melodrama! The extremities of psychic suffering! I know; I know; I know — I know I’m hurt. Thank you for pointing that out, but trust me — it doesn’t have to feel like dying. It really, really doesn’t. It’s okay. It’s okay. _[Quieter.]_ I’m okay.

_[THE DOCTOR observes all this. At first her face crinkles up in puzzlement. THE MASTER is obviously really upset about something, but she can’t determine what. She gets the anger; she knows what ‘COME ON!!!’ means by now. She’s not sure why he’s talking about delayed gratification and betrayal, however. Her face relaxes into more general concern, eyebrows curving up and inward, as she steps closer.]_

THE DOCTOR: Hey, uh, I know you have _[waves hands]_ an, uh, an, uh, system with your piles, and I messed it up, and I shouldn’t have.

THE MASTER _[crossing arms, deflating with a sigh, tail drooping]:_ Yeah, okay, fine. Whatever. It’s less that and more the whole butt scratching thing. In front of Yaz?! Come on! COME ON!! Thanks a lot. _[Glares at floor.]_

THE DOCTOR: What? _[Shrugs.]_ I was getting you up. You weren’t responding to anything else. Besides, you like it!

THE MASTER _[swiveling toward THE DOCTOR, staring at her]:_ Come on. Really?! _COME ON! REALLY?!_ Do I _really_ have to explain this to you?

THE DOCTOR _[blankly]:_ Explain what?

THE MASTER _[shaking head slowly]:_ Okay. Okay. I guess I do. I really, really do. _[Gathers words, finally meets THE DOCTOR’S eyes.]_ You know why some cats do that?

THE DOCTOR: Uhhhhhh, no. I haven’t really had any cats...except you. Hah! Okay. _[Composes self, folding hands in lap.]_ No. Really. I’m serious now. Why do some cats do that?

THE MASTER: Two words: erogenous zone. _Please_ don’t tell me that I have to explain what _that_ means.

THE DOCTOR: Oh shut up! I know what it means.

_[THE MASTER eyes THE DOCTOR with great concentration. He’s nodding slightly, tipping from side to side, expecting her to reach some conclusion that’s already utterly obvious to him.]_

THE DOCTOR CONT.: What? Why are you looking at me like that?

THE MASTER _[sighing, since she’s obviously not going to get it]_ : There’s a taboo among current mainstream anglophone British humans of this time and place that you do _not_ do sexual activities like that in front of other people, unless you’ve asked the other people and they’ve all agreed.

THE DOCTOR _[with a contemplative scrunch and squint]:_ Oh. _Ohhhhhhh._ And I broke it, didn’t I? Yeah, I must’ve. Ah hah! _[Turns toward THE MASTER, snapping both hands.]_ And _that’s_ why she ran away! I broke her taboo. Oops. Shit. _[Beat.]_ I should probably apologize for that, huh? Mmmm, yeah, I probably should.

THE MASTER _[in low, grumbling voice directed at floor]:_ To me too.

THE DOCTOR: What? Why? I didn’t break _your_ taboo. You said that was a human one.

THE MASTER: That’s not what I’m talking about. What I’m talking about is that I’m the fucking Master! _[Thrusts hands out to THE DOCTOR, rolling eyes.]_ I control everything! _[Sweeps arms around as if describing rainbows in air. Beat. Shakes head.]_ No. No. Why do I keep saying that? I _wish_ I did. But I don’t. I don’t. I control very few things. But I want to, okay? I _want_ to. _[Makes fist, taps sternum.]_

THE DOCTOR _[nodding]:_ Yeah. Okay. I know that.

THE MASTER: It’s a matter of — matter of — matter of — oh — it’s — what is it? It’s on the tip of my tongue! Ptooey! _[Spits imaginary word into palm, inspects it.]_ Uh, nope, I guess that’s not the word I’m looking for. _[Serious, steady eyes focus back on THE DOCTOR.]_ It’s just — just — just _bad._ ‘I am the master of my fate; / I am the captain of my soul.’ _[Hanging head, in low, embarrassed voice.]_ And I don’t like when people see me lose my shit. 

THE DOCTOR: But you lose your shit plenty of times in front of other people, crying and yelling and stuff.

THE MASTER: Yeah, but those are _my_ emotions. _I_ control those. It’s like — well, remember how I was gonna haul you into the Matrix and stick you in an immobilization field just to _make_ you listen to everything about the Timeless Children? And you were like, ‘What the fuck is wrong with you? If you make me do something like that just because _you_ want me to, then you can fuck off forever and never come back, and I mean it.’

THE DOCTOR _[nodding eagerly]:_ Oh yeah, right, because like no one needs to force me to poke around in places where I shouldn’t be poking. Or lick things I shouldn’t be licking. Hey, remember that time with the Formipilians?

THE MASTER _[facepalming]_ : How could I forget? You stuck a fuckin’ _epinephrox_ in your fuckin’ _mouth,_ of all things — and during the Recessional of Vertiginous Trees no less! You’re just lucky they didn’t take you to the High Chamber of Ecphrasis — 

THE DOCTOR: But I had a hunch that they wouldn’t — see? Because you go to the High Chamber only if the epinephrox releases its electrostatic charge and knocks you out. But I noticed that it was pretty sluggish, so I figured that there was a good chance that, if I tasted its charge, I could channel that into the neutrino engine and restabilize the fluctuating retroconfabulator node. Which I did. So I could! _Who_ saves the day through inadvisable lingual contact? _[Beat.]_ Me!! Me and my brains save the day through inadvisable lingual contact!

THE MASTER: Yeah yeah, you being the man and all. _[Beat. Eyes pop.]_ Wait. Sluggish?! You mean it was _alive?!_

THE DOCTOR: Well, yeah. I mean — how else is it gonna shock you?

THE MASTER: I just thought it was a _[waves hands around]_ electroconducting… transducer...thingie. Gah. _[Full-body shudder.]_ Aren’t you supposed to at least chat someone up before you do that sort of thing? _Please_ tell me you at least told it to wash up first. You don’t know where that thing’s been! _[Rolls eyes.]_ But no, of course you didn’t. Gah! GAH! _[Another shudder. Tail goes frizzy.]_ I don’t even want to _think_ about the bacteria… Aaaaanyway… _[Turns back to THE DOCTOR.]_ My point is that you have plenty of inquisitiveness that motivates you to lick epinephroxes and listen to my rant about the Timeless Children of your own volition. I don’t need to tie you up to have you listen.

THE DOCTOR _[smirking and coughing pointedly]:_ And yet somehow that seems to happen quite a bit. _[Bounce bounce.]_ Hey hey, did I tell you what I got a sample of when I was last at the Bazaar of Bizarrerie? Uncuttable rope! Resists even diamond blades, apparently. Hmmm...I’ll have to test that. Well, I’ll have to get a pair of diamond-cutting goggles first...

THE MASTER _[holding up a finger]:_ Ah ah ah! Don’t start. I don’t want to hear about your rope collection, especially not diamond-resistant stuff. That sounds...unsafe. Besides, no one was talking about your collection. I was _trying_ to say that, in the same way, I have plenty of motivation to, uh, distract myself on my own terms. Yeah...uh... _distract._ You don’t need to override it. It’s humiliating — in a _bad_ way.

THE DOCTOR _[calming down, nodding a bit]:_ Yeah, because it’s overkill. Beating a dead horse to death. Or something. And then turning it into a zombie and chasing it around with a hammer… Well, never mind. Sorry. I won’t do that again. 

THE MASTER: Good. Thank you. Glad you were actually listening and not tied up with thoughts of your uncuttable rope.

THE DOCTOR _[with a bright smile]:_ Oh, well, I was, but I was listening to you. I’m very good at multitasking! _[Sticks out arm, gives thumbs up.]_

THE MASTER _[smirking]:_ Speaking of an itch to scratch, I’m going back to bed! _[Latches onto THE DOCTOR’S wrist, towing her in direction of bedroom.]_ And this time, you’re coming with me!


End file.
